How to Deal with Grief

Understanding how grief works may help in the healing process. Grieving has been studied by many professionals and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has written many books on this subject.

As introduced by Kübler-Ross, there are 5 stages that take place but they do not necessarily follow any order. Grief is not linear. A person could experience one stage, move on to the next, and then fall back to the emotional place they once were. Time is irrelevant when it comes to grieving. This is completely normal.

Grieving is one thing that ALL people have in common. Mourning does not just happen when death is involved. It could occur from empty nesting, a health issue, a traumatic event, a loss of relationship, a loss of a job or from retirement. Anything that happens that changes the normal, every-day consistency of life. This article discusses how to deal with grief after losing someone you love but the ideas listed may help with any type of grief.

The 5 Stages of Grief and Loss

1. Denial and Isolation – During this stage, disbelief takes place. It is also quite common for people to want to be alone or not talk about the loss. This is actually a defense mechanism that helps to guide through the initial pain.
2. Anger – This is a very intense emotion and it may be directed towards anyone or anything; even the person that has passed. Guilt over the anger can be consuming which causes additional anger too.
3. Bargaining – Trying to make a deal with God, a boss, the team of doctors, anyone that could make a difference. This becomes a main focus as it is hard to accept that we are not in control.
4. Depression – Sadness that affects daily function is considered depression. Depression associated with loss is expected. When it continues for a long period of time, if it worsens, or if thoughts of harming oneself or others is present, then emergency medical intervention is necessary. Call 911 or the local emergency number if needed.
5. Acceptance – This does not mean that emotions have left and grieving has concluded. It simply means that coping mechanisms allow for a sense of calmness and peace about the situation.

Read more about the stages here and here. If you need further advice, please contact your medical provider.

My Story

On March 3, 2000, I was informed that my dad had passed suddenly. He had been driving when he had a heart attack; he was 56 years old. Unfortunately, he crashed in to a 29 year old man that was engaged to be married. Both my dad and the man died.

My Stages of Grief

Denial and Isolation – When I was told, I thought there had been a mistake made. At the funeral home, my dad did not look like the person I loved. This was just a bad dream. Still to this day, I find it hard to believe that he is gone! I was surrounded by family and friends, physically I was present but emotionally, I had checked out.

Anger – My anger and guilt were one entity. I was furious with myself. The night before the accident, my dad had called me. I had just walked in the door and the chaos of my family took priority over talking to him. If only I had taken the time for a conversation, maybe things would have been different. Additionally, I had carried guilt for the other man also; somehow, I felt responsible.

Bargaining – This stage was not black and white for me. I have never been a person to question God’s intentions as I believe that I will not have an answer so I only rely on faith. Also, I have often heard that people wish they could see their loved one just one more time. I did not want this at all! There was no way that I could ever go through the pain of losing him again!

Depression – Depression lasted for 6 months. I was never to the point of harming myself physically but I sure wasn’t caring for myself as I should have been. There was absolutely no interest in anything. Just going through the motions of life, null of happiness; I was numb to the world.

Acceptance – Yes, it finally did happen. With the support of my husband, children, family and friends, I had reached this point. I am sure that my family was also grieving, not just for my dad, but for the loss of a present mom and wife. I was not at peace with the situation but at least it wasn’t consuming me and taking me away from my family.

How to Deal with Grief

Following are some ideas on how to help with the grieving process. These are not intended to take the place of any medical advice and are simply steps that I have taken personally to help with the pain. My hopes are that sharing my own steps for healing will help others.

• JOURNALING – I bought a hard-covered journal. I did not use this book to write about my feelings. Instead, I documented memories about my dad, funny habits he had, favorite songs or sayings. I was afraid that I would forget him and this provided me with comfort. Asking others to add to your special book is also a great idea.
• HAVING CONVERSATIONS – It is obvious that you should talk to family, friends, clergy and others during this time to aid in healing. Many of my conversations were not just with those mentioned above, but also with my dad. Granted, these talks were one-sided but they provided me with a sense of complacency. I still talk to him every day. This makes his absence tolerable.
• SETTING A MENTAL GOAL – I had heard from others that had experienced a death of someone close, that the first year is awful. The first birthday missed, the first holiday, the first anniversary of their death. All of these “firsts” can knock the grieving process back down and the stages could repeat themselves. I set a goal to make it through the first year by mentally checking off which occasion had passed and trying to prepare for those still to come. I don’t mean that I handled every situation with grace. Instead, I prepared myself by allowing myself to experience whatever emotion came at that time. Aha! Stage 5 – Acceptance! I accepted that what was to be would be.
• CELEBRATE – Celebrate their life! Talk about how this person made you feel. Do not let their stamp on your life disappear with their passing. The love and admiration you feel can still be shared with others.

Grieving Continues

Learning how to deal with grief is ongoing. Today has been 19 years since I lost my dad. I can tell you that the grieving process continues. Some years are better than others but this year happens to be a bad one. I reverted to the anger stage. My entire family had forgotten that this was the anniversary of his death. Unjustly, I was very mad at all of them. Instead of allowing myself to experience pain again, I directed my emotions negatively towards them. Luckily, they will all understand and we can spend the rest of the evening celebrating his life.

One last thought on How to Deal with Grief

The pain of losing someone you love will never go away. However, you WILL learn to live with it and it won’t consume you.

Hugs and prayers to all that are experiencing grief.